Sunday 10 April 2005

WOOO WOOO

Two American Indians and a Kentucky Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo Wooooo Wooooo!"

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?

"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they call 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo!Wooooo!Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in, he was amazed at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Oh, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call,

"WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....

(Get ready this will kill ya),

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN

Sunday January 16 2005

<>A blonde is over at this Coke Machine putting fifty cents in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the Coke, putting it in her pockets. <>

After a while she has a Coke in every pocket. She keeps going, stacking the Cokes around her on the floor.

Finally, the guy behind her, getting mad, asks her, "What Are You Doing?!

<> She responds, "Duh, I'm winning."

Sunday 9 January 2005:

Italian Pasta Diet, it really works!!!

1) You walka pasta da bakery.

2) You walka pasta da candy store.

3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4) You walka pasta da table and da fridge.

<> Soon after their last child left home for college, Marjorie's husband was resting next to her on the couch with his head in her lap. <> She carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said Italian Pasta Diet, it really works!!!

1) You walka pasta da bakery.

2) You walka pasta da candy store.

3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4) You walka pasta da table and da fridge.

<> Soon after their last child left home for college, Marjorie's husband was resting next to her on the couch with his head in her lap.

<> She carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said Italian Pasta Diet, it really works!!!

1) You walka pasta da bakery.

2) You walka pasta da candy store.

3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4) You walka pasta da table and da fridge.

<> Soon after their last child left home for college, Marjorie's husband was resting next to her on the couch with his head in her lap.

<> She carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

<> "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

<>sweetly, "Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

<> "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

<>sweetly, "Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

<> "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

Sunday 2 January 2005

Three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck, they see it's surrounded by three bears:

"OK guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to get these bears really angry. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So, Jack, you take the one on the left, the little cub with the broken leg, and I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silvertip mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big teeth, and froth around the mouth"

"Hey, man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs ? That's not fair!"

"Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross."

The Power of Prayer

After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to everywhere to avoid passing my favorite Donut Shop.

I accidentally drove by the Donut Shop this morning, and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, "Lord, it's up to you....if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the Donut Shop."

And sure enough, He answered my prayer. On my ninth time around the block, there it was!

I shall seek and find you

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you...

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And you will be weak for days.

All my love,

Signed

THE FLU

Now get your mind out of the gutter...... and GO GET YOUR FLU SHOT

Sunday 19 September 2004

INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT:

Ø If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

Ø With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

Ø With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

Ø But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you could have had $214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan

DO YOUR DRINKING AT HOME!

True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys.....

Then.....being assaulted by your wife with a broom,

And still having the guts to ask: "Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?

Tuesday 30 August 2004

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always did, when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Father O'Grady. "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary.

"Well, what is it, Mary?" "Well, my husband passed away last night, Father."

"Oh, Mary," said the priest. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"Well, yes he did, Father," replied Mary. "What did he ask, Mary?" Mary

replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun'..."

Sunday 29 August 2004

A chief petty officer caught an AWOL sailor as he tried to sneak aboard ship. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation, the petty officer told him, "Sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning, or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor picked up a broom, but before he could sweep, a tern landed on the handle. The lad picked the tern off and tossed it overboard. The bird lit again on the broom handle, and was again tossed away. On and on, through the night, they went through the same routine.

In the morning, when the petty officer inspected, he found the chain still dirty. "What have you been doing all night?" he asked angrily. "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

Sunday 22 August 2004

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a graveside burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were there.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

· A cute girl in a grateful dead t-shirt asks you what band you like, and you answer 160 & 80 meters

· You look at a great mountain range, and all you can think of is how to get an antenna at the highest peak!

· A linear has something to do with your family tree (despite it's lack of branches)